I hope you enjoy this thought provoking post. While it is not a current issue for myself, I think it is still very relevant for some of you. I really hope that people from varying experiences read and comment with your thoughts, feelings and inspirations. THANX for your thoughts and love! πŸ˜€ peace ……


You ever wonder why we are so afraid of being vulnerable? We walk around pretending not to know when someone is attracted to us, or more importantly, when we are attracted to someone else, for fear of rejection. LOL! Its hilarious.

And what about when you have a ridiculous chemistry with a person that you aren’t “supposed” to be with, or can’t be with, for whatever circumstances. So you push it down, push it down. Pretend it doesn’t exist. Oh noooooo! …. don’t dare tell anyone. You just smile and go about your life as if it doesn’t exist. You give him a hint of your affection in a glance, in a special smile reserved for only the ones you love, in the looooong embraces. πŸ™‚ yall know what I’m talking about. lol! But you walk away … just friends, very good friends, and that’s enough for you. It has to be!

But … every time you hear the persons NAME!, your stomach starts jumping! Like your heart decided to take a dive, hit a trampoline and bounced up pass your head, taking your brains with it to touch the sky! HA! Its quick, but its just that intense! WOO! wait…wait…what was I talking about again? Oh yeah … the name. Just the name makes you breath in deep and smell his scent and visualize his smilin eyes. Mmmm. But ….. you don’t really love him in that way … nah man … “das my brotha!” … Riiiiiiiight. πŸ™‚ Behind that “just”, in the depths of your heart secrets, you would love him, so hard, so good, so right, so real, without hesitation or inhibition, if …… if only you had the chance … you would tell him. Just so your heart wouldnt be so heavy. You would tell him that you loved him forever and always will. You would tell him “… if you’d have me, I would run away with you.”

But …. ladies, ……… we aren’t that damn brave, are we? LOL! Cause if “they” arent initiating, we’re moving the hell on! “Cant waste the pretty!” Cause it don’t last! HA! love comes and love goes. And we’re good. We can push it down. ….. right? Yeah we’re good, til …….. homeboy pops the hell back up when you’re engaged, and you just wanna hang! Get one of them good hugs. The good loooooooong ones, that dont need the words that you really want to say attached, because its written all over your bodies! wow.

Down right dangerous, folks! πŸ™‚ LOL! You know that unacknowledged chemistry, its like a pressure cooker building more and more steam … waiting desperately to, BURST OFF! LOL! Cause you know when you don’t acknowledge that thing …. this thing that you continue to build, it only gets bigger and bigger and ….

so … what?

a. Avoid it?

b. Talk about it?

c. Keep pretending and risk being caught in that very vulnerable place, making it either:

  • the worst experience ever!
  • the best thing that has ever happened to you
    or …..
  • both

What do you do?


Well …. I write a song ….. lol!

What do you do?

*Come be the 1st to hear the song that goes along with this post LIVE!…*

Friday, October 30th @

Capitol Soul!


Akua Allrich on vocals

Janelle Gill on keys

Kris Funn on bass

John Lamkin on drums

7pm-9pm @ Ebenezer’s Cafe

a MUST SEE, MUST HEAR EVENT! Definitely one your BEST experiences. πŸ˜‰

Peace, love and light!

I’ll be talkin to ya ….. on the stage …. :-), cause it’s me…

Akua Allrich – Kyerematin


27 thoughts on “If I only had the chance….

  1. Lauren 13 years ago

    Hmmm. Thought provoking and true. I likey Akua!

  2. ndygo sunshyne 13 years ago

    so real. & uh…i’ve done a, b, & c with differing results. but it still hurts so good & reminds you that you’re alive when the doldrums start to weigh you down. i have a love/hate relationship with all this.

    fun to read about it.

  3. akua 13 years ago

    Yay! Lauren!!

    Ndygo!!! honey. it sho DO! hurt so damn good! mm…mmm…mmmmmm! LOL! I dont think I have tried all of the options I wrote, or have I. LOL! but either way, it’s gonna hurt.

  4. LaTalya 13 years ago

    I let Marlon read it–he said we need to have more of these conversations-Thanks for sharing.

  5. akua 13 years ago

    I am happy that you connected so to this. Our humanity can be our biggest asset and our biggest hinderance. I hear what you mean. Sometimes you gotta be broken to put it all together.

    Ain’t nothing like a great husband to help you find all those broken pieces, the little ones and the big ones.
    I swear, I am blessed to have mine! He gives me wings man. Wings! Love you babe! LOL! πŸ™‚

    But, I think as people we get caught up in the dance of life and get lost somewhere in the process. the rhythm starts to become noise, we get confused, and the only thing to do is STOP! before we loose every blessed thing that we have. Its a trip. and its really tricky that usually the 1 choice we don’t consider is that there really isn’t a choice at all, simply your path, and MILLIONS of distractions on that path.


  6. luvinlife 13 years ago

    hmmmmmm…my question is what about the messes that you can’t clean up…the families that u wreck,the woman who’s family has been shattered into so many trillions of pieces that even the most gifted artisan can’t repair, the children who r permanently scarred (even if indirectly)all because you “acknowledged” the chemistry you had for a man (who happens to belong to another woman that u know)….
    now don’t get me wrong, if anyone can relate to the power of attraction…shit, I see him now as I speak/type…if I could have just one night (ok, maybe 1 week) to excrete all the passion that I have for him, I would have him hooked for lyfe (LMAO)….but n an effort not to get caught up in the dance of life..I can choose to STOP and not move on a feeling that could cause more havoc and harm than it is worth on any level….i give thanks for this trait that differentias me from other mammals who HAVE to hump the first thing in sight when they go into heat

    …thats my 2 cents…i’m done

  7. akua 13 years ago

    Luvinlife!!! YES! you are cracking me up right now. LMAO! But whats crazy is that you are so on point. The reality is there are a lot of people involved in 1 very brief decision. So making the right one is very critical. I swear you can kind of see your life flash before your eyes when you decide to move on a silly impulse, but for some retarded reason once you start moving, it takes a mack TRUCK to stop you!

    I am a whole-hearted believer in avoiding the need to make the tough decisions. Just dont be in the position and you wont make any mistakes. lol! seriously, take a friend along. Dont be in any awkward, alone places with the “certain someone”. You have to know your self, your limitations and your weaknesses. Shit, I know I do. LOL! No need in testing to see if they still exist, I KNOW THEY DO! lol!

  8. Nonya 13 years ago

    I’m coming back to this one. This is deep!

  9. Toyin 13 years ago

    This blog really hits home for me. Unfortunately (or fortunately πŸ™‚ I hav not avoided my tough decision. Oops! I have my first lover (never had sex) from my past that has mysteriously popped back up again after several years. The feelings in the beginning were so very confusing for me and I avoided them. However…recently I’ve acted…and actually spent some time with him. Now what makes it strange (and even out of character) for me is I’m married with children and I know I probably shouldn’t be doing this. To be honest, I’ve been going through some emotional changes within the past few months. Before he (my x) came back into the picture I’ve questioned my marriage. Just going through some emotional and spiritual changes but having the kids in the soup makes it very hard for me to just act as my spirit would normally do (lol).

    Anyway, that hug was ohhhh so good and to be honest I have no regrets. We’ve gone our separte ways and that is that. I am working on some personal spiritual healing though. And I feel a change coming. For the positive of course. I’m most definitely relating to this blog. Love it!

  10. Toyin 13 years ago

    I forgot to add this has been a humbling experience for me. I used to judge women (before my experience) that stepped out of their relationships and it made me realize how human I am. And also to get my nose from so high up in the damn air. LOL. Gotta love it!

  11. akua 13 years ago

    Well damn Toyin. wow. You know, I gotta say, that is a whopper of a secret to be holding on to! Wow! That’s a rough one. I’m glad you were able to let it go on here though. But I gotta say, that, in my opinion, You hit the nail on the head when you said “Before he (my x) came back into the picture I’ve questioned my marriage”.

    Insecurity in your relationship is like a hole in your pants. If you dont mend it as soon as you see it, that hole gets bigger and bigger and bigger, and lets in a whole lot of “cold air” that you were trying to keep out.

    That is a very cold and lonely place to be, questioning your safe place, and the hotness of a “lover”, and in your case, a very familiar lover, feels like its just what you need, when its actually just what you need to leave alone. Keeping with the pants analogy, its funny that just like the “holey” ass jeans are in style again, so are “holey”/insecure relationships and refusing to mend either.

    Dont take this the wrong way. I am totally not judging you. And I’m glad you said what you said about being humbled, and not judging others who have made the same type of decision. We are, fortunately and unfortunately, human ass shit and we cant change that. ever! lol!

    but goddamn that “ex-factor”! Dont we always remember only the sweet things when we’re vulnerable? Its nuts! If you were and when you become secure again, relationship wise, you’re probably gonna gag the next time you think about him. lol!

    No, but on the serious tip sis, I really hope you find counsel in someone who you trust, that has you and your family’s best interest at heart, because, although you don’t regret it now ….. you will ….. and when you do, its going to hurt.

    I do wish you all the best in love and in life! lets keep talking! πŸ˜€

  12. akua 13 years ago

    oh yeah and Toyin ….. watch out there now …. cause once you take a bite out of that forbidden fruit its pretty damn likely that you’re gonna take another one!

  13. akua 13 years ago

    Nonya where you at?!!!! lol!

  14. Always Second Best 13 years ago

    Story of my life…. guys I like, never notice me. Living in 30 year fantasies, waiting, watching, hoping. Never coming into fruition. Until I’m hooked up with some guy who worships me, but I am not even lukewarm for- and up pops dream guy oh yeah you know I had a crush on you back in the day? WTF???? Could you have said that like 6 months ago?

    1. akua 13 years ago

      ALWAYS SECOND BEST!!! LMAO! See you got me as soon as you read it! That is exactly what I’m talking about. shoulda-coulda-wouldas!!! WTF! Hilarious! Everybody’s had ’em. LOL!

  15. Nonya 13 years ago

    Ok. Akua I’m back. Sorry got a little caught up with some things. Funny thing is my story is very similiar to Toyin. Very similiar OMG!!! I ended up meeting with my first love as well and I am married with children. I’m also having some real downs (for YEARS) in my marriage. I mean those of us in committed relationships knows that it isn’t easy and it’s naturally up and down just like the motion of the ocean…however…I stress however, I’ve now come to the realiztion that this marriage is really and truly not for me. I know it sounds crazy and I was one of those women with my nose up in the air as well. Oh well what can you say. This comes down to my happiness and for YEARS I just haven’t been happy. I want Love…TRUE Love and my husband just doesn’t know (i take it as refuses) to give it to me. Imagine “I love you” is rare and can be counted on 1 hand the amount of times he has told me on one hand. And he still isn’t comfortable.

    I don’t want to pour out my life story here but sometimes situations lead you somewhere you never thought you would be or ever wanted to be for a reason. My reason? I was supposed to get a clear picture of what exactly it is that I Nonya want in a relationship instead of settling. Now I know what to teach my children when how to really and truely keep a GENUINE mate for themselves. Now I just have to do what’s best for me. After going back into my journal (I’ve kept one for 16 years now) I’ve seen some really hurtful stuff my husband has done and said. Guess what?

    I’m fed up. See you latah!

  16. Nonya 13 years ago

    Oh and Akua…saw your note to Toyin. As far as gagging after I think about it later…nah!!! LOL! He too fwine for that one. But I get you. LMAO!!! It will most likely hurt but it sure feels so damn good after it passes! And this too shall pass! I’m loving it! You know me don’t you? πŸ˜‰

  17. Nonya 13 years ago

    ok last one…Your husband gives you wings is a beautiful thing. We all need relationships like that. Give me my wings, give me my space, love me…passionately and stand by my side. All in one. How about that?

    1. akua 13 years ago

      LOL! Nonya you came back with GUSTO! lmao!

  18. Trans.... 13 years ago

    I have always felt everyone has a soulmate and a life mate. For some people those mates can be found in one person, for others those mates can be found in two people and some people never find one or the other. All that is to say that I have found my life mate who I married and we have 3 wonderful children. I have yet to find my soulmate but a few prospectives have popped into the picture over the years. When I say popped into the picture I mean in a way as not to compromise my marriage. Out of love and respect for my husband and children I don’t put myself in positions where I could be compromised. That is not to say that I have not thought about it but I have a lot to lose if I were to step out on a feeling. My marriage is not perfect by no means but I am truly trying to process some of the earlier comments without judging anyone. A persons upbringing and worldview can make all the difference. Everything is not supposed to always feel good. Are you chasing the long term or the short term-what’s going to make you feel good for that minute or hour or whatever?

    1. akua 13 years ago

      Trans ….. thats real. It can be a really slippery slope for people. Being married and/or being in a committed relationship puts a-whole-nother spin on the “shoulda-coulda-wouldas”. There is no luxury or room to step out and try things out without it being a MAJOR kinda fuck-up! Disappointing, but real. The real deal is, that it is so easy to be short sighted when you’re in the thick of it! That’s Y I say, stay out of situations where you have to make a decision!

  19. Orosojos (Angel Eyez) 13 years ago

    I must admit…I was a bit apprehensive about leaving this comment…I felt my take would be an intrusion on the convo between the ladies…but I’ll give it a shot lol!
    As for me,
    I believe its perfectly fine to admit a ‘past attraction’ for someone and release that lustful spirit of Animality …
    It’s important to start with the positives!
    More than likely someone in this trio has moved on…and the person with the attraction will release their attachment to a point in time you can never rekindle…Though one may feel a touch of longing for what is considered taboo…yet, in retrospect,there’s always a lesson to be learned when you choose to do what feels natural to you (how do you define that?)
    The best thing to do is give that person ‘well wishes’ and keep your memories and channel it in other ways…like your existing relationship.

    I have gone through a similar experience…minus the shivers and the star spangled banner feeling lol!..Still in all, I let the person know ‘what it was’ and continue to be great venting buddies…who understand that we are happy in our marriages and we don’t cross any boundaries…and we’ve moved on!
    Great topic!!
    Peace and Blessings!

    1. akua 13 years ago

      thanx 4 that orosojos.

  20. Toyin 13 years ago

    This has been a wonderful topic of discussion for me. I’m so relieved I was able to let my secret go (finally). I can truly feel your pain Nonya…I know exactly how you feel. Though no one knows who we are it’s hard to put it all out there since you’ve kept it to yourself all this time. We need to have discussions where we can speak freely and be free from judgement. We deal with it enough on a day to day basis. We all come from different walks of life and can only speak on our OWN experiences. How wonderful it is to express yourself on paper, computer or words. Thank you for the topic Akua!

  21. akua 13 years ago

    Very cool conversation. I guess not allowing ourselves to be vulnerable sets up the life situations that we’re supposed to be in in the long run, cause, lord knows if I let myself go out on the limb every time I had an affinity for some beautiful cat, I would have broken a lot of limbs and missed out on a lot of great relationships. It’s all worth it in the end…..for some of us.

    I think its healthy to have a little bit of wonder about those folks you never told, or u never took it there with. makes for an active imagination in our old age. lol! πŸ˜‰

  22. Toyin 13 years ago

    “It’s all worth it in the end…..for some of us.” You said the damn thing right…”for some of us.” We have to figure out which some of us is it. lol

  23. Crystal 13 years ago

    So as i read this, all i could do was shake my head. It rang so true with me that it hurts. Life’s funny that way though, we are scared and yet so brave. I’m learning to be to me though, and know that even the things i believe i want may not be what i actually need.

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